How Can My Soul Be Well...When Everything Else is in the Crapper?

There was once a man name Po Wen Ching. He worked for a worldwide missions organization called Child Evangelism Fellowship. I met him once. He spoke with a missionary training candidacy program I was interning with at the mission's international headquarters. 

He died of a heart attack on his 30th birthday a few days later. 

Weeks prior to his death, the interns were scheduled to oversee a chapel session as part of their training. The chapel session we were scheduled happened to be the week just after Po's death. My friend Audrey and I had been working on a duet. While our chapel session was themed around evangelical missions around the world, we kept coming back to "It is Well With My Soul." It didn't fit the theme but for some reason, we just went with it. We did not know the Divine Providence behind this chapel session and its timing and the song choice. 

The week following Po's passing, she and I stood up and sang "It is Well With My Soul" to a group of about 200 grieving people. Some had worked with Po for years. His best friend was in the audience. I almost couldn't make it through the song. 

God brought this song back to me tonight. I think He brought it back because I had a shitty day. 

Really it started last night when I locked my son in our minivan with my keys. (The car was running and it was all over 20 minutes and $45 later.)

Today, doctor's appointment that I thought would take an hour at most and would center around my ADHD went a totally different direction. I was shifted between two doctors, a nurse practitioner, a lab tech, two receptionists and three nurses. I talked some about my ADHD meds I was in need of. What I mostly talked with the doctor about was my weight gain, high blood pressure and other issues. Did I mention this took three hours? Oh and then I got four follow up phone calls about lab results and such. Ugh. 

I came home to a toddler on the cusp of ANOTHER cold and cutting ANOTHER tooth. This means much whining and frustration and tears and boogers from him. I felt raw and exposed after being poked with needles, asked many personal questions and my brithdate 50 freaking times. The Tiny Human wanted to lay on me, throw things around, chew on everything and for me to understand what every grunt and groan means. He was in gorilla mode minus the poo throwing. Ugh. 

I forgot my glasses at a friend's house last night. Which meant much squinting for me today. Between that and a distinct lack of coffee, my headache is just starting to dissipate. Ugh. 

A good friend of mine is seeing the end of her marriage come about. It is a story of a lot of heartache and mental illness and children and love-loss and just brokenness. While I'm not directly affected by it, it is so painful to watch. Ugh. 

I just started college course to complete my bachelors. I'm less than enthused to start the classes and I mostly want it all over with. Ugh. 

You know those delightful Jesus Lovers who quote Paul's words to you in "Ugh Situations?" They say, "I have learned that in whatever situation I find myself to therewith be content." But how do you interpret and apply those words in the midst of all the UGH in your life? Really? My mind is in turmoil. My body mostly wants to sit on its ass and do nothing. My heart just wants to crawl under the covers. But I'm supposed to smile and just assume this is all God's wonderful plan for my life?

At the end of this stressful day, I'm studying and Pandora turns out an instrumental version of It is Well With My Soul. I start hearing the words in the context of my day. And I understood Paul's words differently. That if you care for your soul, that when your mind, body and heart say, "Ugh!" your soul can be okay with the Ugh. 

That doesn't diminish the pain of betrayal and the heartache of your crying children as you try to understand why your husband is a mentally ill man whore. All of that is legit. But if you've cared for your soul, your soul can bear the pain. Even if you haven't cared for your soul well, you can care for it in the midst of the pain. But the pain still hurts.

That doesn't take away the stress of coming to grips with the consequences of years of your neglect of self-care. Neglect that stares you in the face with numbers in the form of blood pressure readings, pounds on a scale, lab results. You feel like an idiot. But your soul can handle more than your body. 

That doesn't mean you're a bad mom because sometimes, Elmo saves your damn life. He smiles and sings and entertains your toddler while you half-nap on the couch. Because your body is tired. But your soul can keep going even when your body is begging for another cup of coffee. 

And you can be grumpy and imperfect and demanding and obnoxious and tired and wrong and ugly and angry....but your soul can still be okay. It is one thing that helps you overcome what is happening to your mind, soul and heart and have days in which you are inspiring and beautiful and influential and right and loving. It echoes the transcendence of God in your every day life. That there is love and hope and everlasting life that can transcend the Ugh. The hard part is listening to your soul in the midst of the Ugh long enough to know that this is true. That "it is well."

So, feed your soul. With religion, with faith, with God, with spirituality, with love and with knowledge. Because you will need it when the Ugh comes. 

I feel as though this song couples Christ's redemptive work with God's transcendent nature. That is where my soul feeds. With the faith that God is who He says He is and that Christ has NOT just saved my sin. He is redeeming...buying back, renewing, refreshing...through His life, love and death. 

It Is Well with My Soul | Horatio G. Spafford

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,When sorrows like sea billows roll;Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,Let this blest assurance control,That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!My sin, not in part but the whole,Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:If Jordan above me shall roll,No pang shall be mine, for in death as in lifeThou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,The sky, not the grave, is our goal;Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,Even so, it is well with my soul.