Dear CECH,
I know you. You were my friend growing up. I knew you while you struggled through acne and your voice changing. We "rededicated" ourselves at Christian festivals, pledged purity at a campfire at Some Christian Camp and drank too much Mountain Dew at a lock in. I knew you during college days. We had heated debates about politics and theology. We played "Mafia" and stayed out too late doing what good Christian college kids do.
You were the person everyone said I should marry: the Conservative Evangelical Christian Husband. You have been my brother in the faith. You have even been the object of my secret affection (really, we were all dying to know who YOU had a crush on!)
But lately, you've been an object of concern for me. And I struggle with that. Because you are my brother. Because I know that you sincerely want to please God. I know that you are learning how to love your wife and family. I know that you are human. I also know that the standards and expectations placed on you are insurmountable. Some of them are Biblical. Some of them are people's expectations with proof text. Some of them are just insane.
Above all else I love you sincerely as your sister in Christ. But I also want to give you a sisterly noogie....with the love of Christ (of course. You believe me, right?)
You see, I am now friends with your wife. So, while I've known the zit-faced teenager at Acquire the Fire and the college student who comes to breakfast with bedhead, I get to know you in an entirely different light. As a husband. I obviously don't want to know all of the everything of your marriage (TMI, dude) I get to see some of the results of your relationships. And this is why I struggle.
There are things that your wife doesn't want to tell you. Mostly because she is a CECW (Conservative Evangelical Christian Wife) and you are a CECH. There are rules that go with these roles. But I have a feeling that if you had a fuller picture, you might rethink these roles and rules.
Sometimes, the weight of being a CECW makes your wife want to run away screaming. She probably seems fine. If you are a pastor, she probably does all of the pastoral wifey things. She loves her children and loves God. But that may not mean that she loves her life. Here is what makes this whole thing scary: she is horribly afraid to tell you how she feels and thinks about...a lot of things. But specifically, how she feels about her life. She could totally love her life but still struggle to be honest with you about what she doesn't love.
"Why not?" you ask? Well, its complicated. First, understand that she has been taught that as a CECW, she is to ONLY encourage you. Mostly importantly, she is not to do anything to discourage you. This is a rule of her role. Second, she may have tried to tell you before and it didn't go well. Since it didn't go well, she probably decided that God was trying to show her that she was acting in sin by being honest with you. Mostly, it seems like she thinks you can't handle it.
Although...you might not be able to handle the truth. It would make you so afraid and unsure of yourself. Sometimes, it is really hard as a CECH to admit that things can make you insecure and afraid. The same things that make it hard for your wife to be honest with you make it hard for you to be honest with her. All of these sermons and Bible verses about your role and its rules fly around in your head. Sometimes, the familiarity and the "black and white" of rules and roles can be calming. They can also be restricting. And restrictions can be dangerous.
You know all of those pastor's wives or deacon's wives that went off the deep end? You know, they had an affair. Or they started selling drugs to kids in the youth group. Or they started drinking and were discovered running around naked in their front yard. I have a theory about these women. I think they got sick of the roles and rules and said, "To hell with it all and to hell with you!" Because the roles and rules kept them from being honest. And the rules and roles kept others from being honest with them. They just couldn't take the fear, shame and/or pain that has festered in the dishonesty (I have a similar theory that all sin stems from fear, shame and/or pain. More about that another time.)
So, dude. I don't want to be the one trying to get your wife to put her clothes back on. I don't want to have your wife call and tell me she's having an affair (but not to tell you, of course.) If your wife is unhappy, you might want to know while you can still do something about it.
The other reason I'd like to give you a noogie is that you expect obedience from your wife. Don't get your man panties in a wad. I know what Paul said about wives and obedience. But also remember that Paul grew up in a culture of chauvinism in which women were thought to be dumber, weaker and worth less than a man. Now surely, keeping that text in the context of all Scripture AND looking at the day-to-day life with your wife and knowing what you know about women in 2014...you know that you would be foolish to expect your wife to obey you like a child would a parent.
And yet, you do. You disrespect your wife by making mandates and boundaries and expectations for her behavior as if she is a child. That is NOT the model of Christ loving the Church. Love your wife like you love yourself. Love, honor and respect your wife by thinking of her on equal terms. If you would like her to be honest about her thoughts and feelings...to treat you like an adult by being honest about what is going on with her...then treat her like an adult. Start there. When she sees there is a problem in her life, let her work it out and ask for your help when she is ready. When she is unhappy with her life, listen to her. Ask yourself if your ministry, your job, your whatever is worth losing your marriage.
Because marriages aren't lost in a day. They are lost slowly over time. Many small things slipping away until there isn't anything left to hold on to.
Here is a story about this. I used to smoke. On and off since high school depending on how easy it was to hide and the time I could commit to it. I successfully (or so I thought) hid it from many people. When Matt and I started dating, he figured it out really quick. He did not tell me that I needed to stop. He did not beat me over the head with Bible verses. He did not forbid me to do so. He did not lecture whatsoever. (We had maybe three conversations about it. Total.) He said, "Well, that will kill you. And I don't want to watch someone I love killing herself. You'll stop when you're ready." (Sidenote: WHAT AN AGGRAVATING MAN. In a good way...) He did not respond in a role or with rules. He responded in love. And it worked.
I beginning to wonder what God really thinks about all of our roles and the rules that accompany them. I have a feeling that there are lots of people who are trying to please God and floundering in rules and roles He never intended. I still struggle as a recovering CECW. I will apologize to my husband saying, "That wasn't right of me." To which he responds, "It's not about right and wrong. It's about love."(Again...AGGRAVATING.)
Maybe it's time to step out of the MAN MADE roles and rules and really look at life, love and godliness in the context of our day-to-day life. Maybe it's time to torch the Christian self-help books about marriage roles and ask God to lead us today. Maybe it's time we honor God by using the brains He gave us and using common sense in our relationships.
What I am saying to you...my brother...is that God will be most pleased when you treat your wife like she is a grown up. And when you see her struggle in her unhappiness, let her open up to you and let her know that you hear her. Don't go into the depths of despair and cry and rip your clothes and sit in sackcloth and ashes. Don't get angry with her because YOU can't handle the truth. Hear her truth, sympathize and then ask how you can help. Take it like a grown up.
Or I just might give you a wedgie.
Love from Your Sister,
Jaimie
PS This letter might not be to you in its entirety. Part of it may be. You may not be ready to hear any of it. And that's ok. I'll be cool with telling you "I told you so!" later. Because I am your sister. That is what I do.
PPS Even if your wife is rocking out the pastor wife scene and loves her life, she still needs you to listen to her struggles. So do that.
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